Monday, October 25, 2010

I am Fartacus!

Apparently if you fill your stomach with too many samples at the West Coast Women's Show you will be filled with glorious gasses that will clear a room faster than you can say "floating an air biscuit". The recipe is quite complex, and not for the faint of fart heart.
  • teriyaki tofu
  • tuna 
  • chocolate cookie
  • coffee
  • cranberry juice
  • spicy pickled beans
  • pickled beets
  • pickled carrots
  • rooibos chai tea
  • almond butter crunch
  • another chocolate cookie
  • a virgin cosmopolitan
  • barbecue kettle chips
  • salsa and guacamole with chips
  • two kinds of soya cheese
  • a chocolate dipped strawberry
Then attend the Hall of Flame Calendar Firefighters Fashion Show and mix vigorously as you jump up and down in support of dwindling clothing and cheeky flashes the burn unit at VGH. Pop into a dutch oven for 6 - 8 hours and voilĂ . If it turns out a little flat, add a slice of pizza and some beer and let it percolate. Serves anyone in a 10-foot radius. Nutritional value: despite the aromas of eggs and broccoli, none.

Thank you West Coast Women's Show. Man, I feel like a woman. (Just kidding, it was a great show and the samples were fabulous.)

Friday, October 22, 2010

Out of (Con)Text

Reading a post over at Wait in the Van made me look back over my texts on my Blackberry. When you don't know the story behind the text, it can be pretty funny!

Him: Poo on the floor of my office this morning.

Me: Oh. Yuck. Why do you think?

Him: Looks like a hair issue.

Me: Hmm. Maybe we should brush the cats.

Him: Bunged up I guess.

Me: Urgh.

(One of the cats pooped on the floor in hubby's home office instead of the litter box in the bathroom.)


Me: Frodo, going to Mordar. Signed, Bilbo

Sis: Hehehe. I know they say it only takes one ring to bind it but in your case I would suggest some sort of epoxy.

Me: Hehe. I think I'm old enough to reread Tolkien. Maybe it will make more sense. May I borrow them?

Sis: Heck yes! Remind me to bring em out.

(Re-tiling a bathroom prompted a joke of "Where do drywalling hobbits live? Mordar!", after which I decided that reading The Lord of the Rings at 10 years of age left greater comprehension to be desired.)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Anti-social media

I don't know if social media is made for the anti-socialite. I have so many pet peeves it's not even funny.

1. Sharing one account. Unless you are a conjoined twin actually sharing a face and the same friends, sharing a facebook account is weird. Embrace your individuality and reject the temptation to "be one" with your partner. Your friends will no longer be confused with whom they are conversing.

2. Sharing too much. I may tell my partner/sister/bff about my horrible flatulence and awesome bowel movement, but spreading that $hit all over facebook and twitter is just TMI. Would you tell these things to your ex-boyfriend, high-school frenemy, mother-in-law, neighbour? Because you just did. Remember your audience!

3. Likewise, minute-to-minute updates are not necessary. No one cares if you just ate a bagel unless it was the world's largest bagel and you're getting interviewed on TV by Guinness RIGHT NOW. It is information overload and people will assume you are hard up for attention or have no life. "I am moving my left foot. I am moving my right foot." What do you want? A medal?

4. Bandwagons. Everybody's on one. Join this group and keep facebook free. Join this cause and I will donate a bazillion dollars. If 1,000,000 people join this group John Lennon will rise from the dead and get a facebook account. Holy flurking schnit! Are you people or sheep? Sheople? Baaa...must join group...baaaa! Join join join...like like like.

5. If tweeter twatter tweets a tweet on Twitter...does anybody care? It's like the status update channel: All updates all the time! I mean, how can you follow all that tweeting, twittering, and twatting? It's just too much. Um...that being said, you can follow me on Twitter over there--->. (I'm such a hypocrite, I know!) But I promise not to post a running commentary on my day. Who has time???

6. Applications. There are some fun games, some dumb games, and some downright lame games. Then there are the super-lame-ass applications, like find your stripper name, when will you die, and when will you die as a stripper. What's the point? It's a one-shot wonder that clogs up your profile page. Unless you like to be buried under a layer of useless crap that defines you as a person that likes useless crap and can't throw anything away. If you must know when you will die, install the app, write it in your calendar, then use the handy-dandy remove link and hide your shame. You know what else is useful? The block application link. When I get an invite for anything I don't want, I block the application. To date I have blocked over 100 applications...and counting! I have blocked people that would not cease and desist sending invitations. Frig off!

7. Become a fan! See Sheep, #4.

8. OMG, i 8 a banana! lol. ur funny c u l8r! roflmao. WTF??? How hard is it to spell you and your? To press the shift key for uppercase letters? How can I respect you when you're lolling about with your head lolling to the side and your tongue lolling out of your mouth as drool falls onto your shirt? Lol lol lol. When you make a funny in real life (if you have one), do you say lol? Or do you actually laugh out loud? Think about it. Haha. Made you think! Do you chuckle? Heh heh. Guffaw? Ahahahahahaha! Giggle? Heehee. Isn't that better than lolling and rofflemaowing? Even a simple smile will do. That's right Dad. I'm talking to you.  :)

9. Obscure and awkward connections. Your brother's sister's father's wife's daughter? Oh wait, that's you. Your grade 8 classmate that sat behind you on the bus but never talked to you? Accept! Your estranged great-aunt's stepchildren? Accept accept! Look how popular I am! I have 1,013 friends! This must be how Oprah feels! Ooooh! I must add her as a friend. Having 1,013 connections. Cost: 1 soul. Not knowing 95% of them? Priceless. There's a lot your dignity can buy. For everything else, there's facebook/twitter/myspace/foursquare/linkedin.

What are your social media pet peeves?

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Update on Kitty Poop Death Star Litter Box

I was getting a little worried after a few days, as Gordon and Zoey had not yet used the new Litter Robot. To encourage them to use the fresh box, I stopped cleaning the old one (no big challenge for me). I even laid a dry turd inside (a cat turd, not my own) to show them where to do their poopy and put cat treats on the lip of the opening. I know they have looked inside and retrieved their treats because the litter was disturbed and there was a small trail scattered on the steps. But when I cycled the machine, no kitty turds were ejected into the drawer below. :(

On the 6th morning I checked and was greeted by a fresh clump of cat pee! Yippee! I guess the minefield of cat bombs in the other tray was enough to convince them to occupy new territory. Once I cycled the machine they were happy to climb in and do it again. So we dumped the old box and moved the new one in its place. Success!

I am SO happy not to be a harvesting turds from the litter box. All we have to do is dump the lined tray once or twice a week. The bathroom downstairs doesn't smell like eau de cat scat and there is considerably less litter and poo being flung far and wide. Aside from its girth, it is a perfect fit for a family of scoopaphobes. Cat-tested and approved.