Tuesday, August 31, 2010

More Occupations I'm Not Qualified For: Food Demonstrator & Prep Cook

Allow me to introduce you to...
The Mandolin of Death

Bum-bum-buuuuummmmm....

I practically severed the top of my thumb with this baby.  How, you ask?  Well, I egotistically thought I was too good for the safety guard.  Evidently I was wrong, as I jammed my thumb rather than the sweet potato straight down onto the blade, cutting through my thumbnail and thumb.  A couple more millimetres (um...1/8th of an inch?) and I would have been picking it out of the bloody veggies.  I won't gross you out with a picture of my thumb, but I'm sure you can imagine how nasty it was.

So I should probably stay away from demonstrating these things at tradeshows and malls.

Luckily, hubby was able to wash the blood off the razor blade of death and disfigurement, discard the stained tubers, and slice some fresh ones using the proper safety guard so we could still enjoy fried sweet potato slices with dinner.  Ones that were not infused with blood and tears.  Maybe some sweat.  Haha...private joke.  (There's a sushi place near my office that offers "sweat potato" on their menu.  Mmmm...sweat potato....)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Ladies & gentlemen of the jury...I present to you: Eggs-hibit A.

An eggstraordinary number of eggs have been recalled in the US due to salmonella bacteria. (I mean really, when you eat food from something's butt, what do you eggspect?)  All puns aside, this is a very serious issue and people have become very ill from eating what is supposed to be a safe and healthy (cholesterol notwithstanding) food.

This is another affliction in a long list of large-scale infections that have infiltrated our food chain in the last few years:

Eggs: salmonella
Lettuce: e.coli
Spinach: e.coli
Peanut butter: salmonella
Apple juice: e.coli
Lunch meat: listeria
Ground beef: e.coli
Hydrolyzed vegetable protein: salmonella

to name a few, and the list goes on and on.... Plus, every month there are many small-scale recalls on specific products for contamination. We're screwing things up royally here.  People are getting sicker and bacteria are getting stronger. It's just a little scary, eh?

I don't know if it's the growing processes, the manufacturing processes, the packaging and storage processes or a little bit of everything.  Are they cutting too many corners trying to stay competitive in the market or are they just lazy?  Do consumers demand too much?  Do companies care too little?  Throw me a frickin' bone here.  On second thought, don't. It's probably contaminated.  Even pet food is not immune.

There's nothing good to eat anymore. In the case of The People vs. Big Food Companies, I find the defendants guilty as charged and sentence them to clean up their food practices.  Court is adjourned.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Occupations I'm Not Qualified For: Mover and Cab Driver

I am laid up with a sore back. And by laid up I mean doing all my regular stuff - working, cooking, cleaning, loafing - but with more moaning and whining. I helped my aunt move last weekend from her apartment to a co-op (income-based rent) so she can finally retire. The stairs from her patio to the sidewalk were very wonky so I ended up carrying boxes and furniture in a very un-ergonomic manner, resulting in a bum back. I'm sure it's broken, but my chiropractor says otherwise.

Let me tell you how navigationally-challenged I am. I loaded the first load of furniture into our little Chevy S-10 pickup and AJ gave me directions to her new place: "Turn right on 4th, go to Cedar and turn right on 3rd. Park in the upper parking lot above the complex." She went to pick up my cousin to help us. Off I went with my precarious cargo, down the hill until I got to Alder. My problem came when I got to Cedar. Straight across the street was a dead-end parking lot above a townhouse complex. I got excited and drove into it, backed 'er up to the curb and started unloading beside the path which was just where she said it would be. Not knowing which unit was hers, I waited in the truck for her to arrive. Sure enough, her little silver car comes down 4th and...wait, where is she going? Why is she turning? Oh shit. She lives on 3rd.

Now she doesn't own a cell phone and I can't leave her stuff on the sidewalk so I play a quick game of truck-box Tetris to get all her furniture back in. Meanwhile, she is driving around the 'hood looking for me, but gives up and drives back to her place to phone my cell. I go one block south where my cousin is waving his arms at me at the mouth of a parking lot above her townhouse just as my cell phone rings. We had a good laugh over it anyway.

Dear Blog

I leave you alone for a few weeks and the whole place falls to shit. You reorganized the furniture but forgot to put the headers back. You painted over the wallpaper and threw out the search bar. I had to re-paper the whole place, move widgets, and find a temporary template. I may need to call in a contractor to fix the damage. Naughty naughty! What will my readers think? Don't look at me like that. Okay, come here and give me hug. But don't try that again.