Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Double, Double, Toilet Trouble...

I like my toilets.  The ones at home.  Particularly the one in my ensuite, where I have privacy to poop and toot behind two closed doors - the bathroom and the bedroom.  I spend a lot of time in there.  It's like my second home.  I like that my feet touch the ground.  I like the soothing hum of the fan.  I like having wet wipes on the back of the toilet for those "sensitive days" where I spend many hours seated upon my porcelain throne. I like a toilet with good suction mixed with a healthy amount of swirl. 

I do not like the toilet at work. City building code forced us to have a wheelchair-accessible (read: high) toilet.  My feet dangle when I sit back.  My pee hits the front of the bowl when I sit forward, and due to the U-shaped seat, it splashes up on my leg unless I bend over and direct the flow in to the water.  It is not a good shape.  It is a long oval, unlike my bum, which is a wide circle.  We are not a match made in heaven.  There is not enough water to welcome a log boom.  And to top it off, there is not enough suck.  So you end up with skid marks on the bottom that require the shameful double-flush.  And the most important feature of a commode?  Location, location, location!  It is near a doorway and two offices, and the light hum of the fan sometimes means you have to "hold your fire".

As far as toilets go, my friend has the ultimate in comfort and technology.  Is it fair to say I have toilet envy?  She is the proud owner of the Toto Washlet, which does exactly what it sounds like.  You go, and it washes you, front and back if you desire.  Not only that, but the seat is heated and sitting activates an exhaust fan that keeps your bowl and surrounding air fresh and clean.  It's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  An oasis of clean.  I want one.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

And the Award Goes to...

I didn't want to be presumptuous.  I thought I was just getting an honourable mention.  What I didn't realize is that I get to KEEP the award.  I don't even have a speech prepared.  Ahem...I'd like to thank Heather from Acting Balanced for this beautiful award.  I'm so thankful you can't see me right now with my hair tangled in an elastic, legs unshaven, and my eyebrows unbrushed and pencilled.  I don't feel beautiful but I am thrilled that you think my blog is.  Oh, the orchestra is drowning me out and they're ushering me offstage.

Okay, here are the rules:

Instructions for the award:
1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
2. Paste the award on your blog
3. Link the person who nominated you for the award
4. Tell 7 interesting things about yourself
5. Nominate 7 bloggers or less
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominated.

1. Check.
2. Ditto.
3. See above.
4. Seven interesting things about yours truly:

  • When I write creatively, my nose runs incessantly.
  • I like capri pants. When you're 5' 2" pants are always too long. Plus my ankles get hot.
  • My feet get claustrophobic under tight blankets. When I go to a hotel, the first thing I do is untuck all the sheets and blankets from the foot of the bed.
  • I think Adam Sandler is cute.
  • Sometimes I extend the three-second rule to a good ten seconds. As long is the item is not soft and porous.
  • I really like the McD's Filet-O-Fish, even though I never order it anymore.
  • I have attended seven schools, not including university.

5/6. Seven blogs I truly love (and I'm assuming I can't nominate the person who gave it to me):

Jill from Homemade by Jill - the most amazing craft-creations ever and the first blog I chose to follow.   I am constantly in envy and awe.

Mariah from Manic Mariah - all the mama-drama without the calories, she is a busy mom with a heart of gold.

The Sassy Curmudgeon - if life were measured in eyebrows, hers would be full. Props to you blog-sister, for sharing your humour and childhood trauma.

Fragrant Liar - nothing smells as good as a winding yarn from Texas. She'll give it to you straight.

Jen at Cake Wrecks - oh the cakes we can wreck, if only we try. Eating cake not recommended while reading, because her punny critiques will leave you needing the Heimlich.

Candid Carrie - she'll make you laugh, she'll make you cry, she'll take in your stray cats.

Nanny Goats in Panties - if you love goats as much as you love panties, you have come to the right blog.  Goat-love. Furry and funny.

These are of course in no particular order and it was hard to narrow the list to seven, but there you are.  Give yourselves a hand and a grab a beautiful blogger award on the way out!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Come and Knock On My Door...

♪ We've been waiting for you
♫ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪
♪ Three's Company too.

Well I thought I should tidy up the place in honour of my new visitors. I re-papered the blogroom with a new template from Blogger Themes and gave it wall-to-wall blogcarpet. And I decided that three columns are better than two when it comes to cupboard space. Storage space is essential! Don't mind the mis-matched fonts; I am too tired wanted to give it a little lived-in feel. And don't look under the rug or in the closet. I'm just saying...

Thank you to Heather from Acting Balanced and the Yummy Mummy Club for the referrals.

Off to Men's Olympic hockey game tomorrow night. I need to pick up some Canada swag to go with my mittens. I'm thinking maybe a scarf.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

It's Not How Much You Spent, It's How Much You Saved

I had a yen to spend this evening. Don't know why, but the moon looked funny so I'm blaming it on lunar activity.

Okay, I'm not a big Walmart shopper, but I was in the same strip mall on business so I popped in. Only to look for the Kashi Apple Bars that I can't find anywhere else. They had them! So I bought 4 boxes. And a Strawberry. And a Blackberry. For variety. And 'cause I don't know if I'll find them again. And J-girl likes them. And they're kinda healthy. And 4 bags of Goldfish crackers (plain, BBQ, pizza & cheddar) for lunches. And lactose-free milk. I just happened to see that. Pudding. Cake mixes. Chocolate chips. Corn starch - I totally needed some last week.

When I got home I asked J-girl if she wanted to go to Liquidation World (which she never does) but she surprised me with a yes. So we hopped in the car and went to...

London Drugs. I talked her out of buying the Twilight Edward Barbie doll ($25 and he doesn't even look like Edward except for the sparkly chest). But we did pick up some high-falutin' art for $17 apiece for the kitchen. And a little footstool 'cause my legs are short and don't reach the ground when I sit back in the computer chair. $4.99! And we happened upon the clearance we bought some cat toys (Christmas-themed), 2 blue laundry baskets (you can never have enough, because mine are always full of clean, folded clothes), some little Pyrex glass containers WITH LIDS (an extra 20% off), and a little ladybug drip catcher for the teapot spout (we totally needed one of those).

Then we went to Shopper's Drug Mart because J-girl needed a cold water and I had a bonus coupon as a Plus member that expires on Friday. $50 for 10,000 points. I needed some Cold FX (it was on sale!), and some snacks (trail mix, crackers) and J-girl got a treat. I have to save some of my spending for Saturday, when you can get 2 movie passes worth $25 with a $75 purchase.

Finally made it to Liquidation World for their VIP sale (good thing I printed out the email; we needed it to get in!). Well I was just there the other day, so I didn't need to go down EVERY aisle. I skipped 2 of them.
Cards .49 - never know when you'll need one,
Reese PB Cups .62 - they come in packages of 3, one for each of us,
Mossimo dress shirt 10.00 - for the man,
Blue bra & undies 6.88 - I already have a set but two is better than one,
Blue patterned bra and hideous g-string 6.88 - still a good price for the bra, I won't wear the ginchies,
Pink patterned bra and hideous g-string 6.88 - see above,
Shower cap .25 - not just for old ladies, for the days I wake up with good hair but still need a shower,
Wide-tooth comb 1.00 - my stylist is always saying to use one,
Package of 5 combs 1.00 - I like the one with the pointy handle for parting hair,
Method reed diffuser in 'cut grass' scent 2.88 - no idea what it smells like but the jar and reeds are nice. I have nice oils at home if I don't like the smell of cut grass.
Oh, and some raspberry jam - 2.97.

I think the running theme here is that I can't pass up a good deal. Let us not discuss how much I spent, but how much I SAVED. The savings are paramount. The more you save, the more you can spend, right? Right???

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Love on a Dime

First off, happy Valentine's Day to you all. ♥♥♥

This year we decided not to (completely) buy into the hype. We bought J-girl a heart-shaped box of chocolates and she gave us a small box of Lindt hearts. So V-Day cost us under $10 including the hugs and kisses bestowed for free. I feel loved, and it didn't take a $60 bouquet of posies to accomplish that.

To my family:

Chocolate is brown,
Large are my thighs,
I really, really
Love you guys.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Bad Drivers of the World Unite!

I worked late last night and I was trying to get home for dinner (my lovely man made a wonderful spread). It seemed like every bad driver out there was released in my vicinity. I had three vehicles signal to change into my lane mere inches from my bumper. And I had Mr. Rental Car on a dark and winding back road going well under the speed limit while riding his brakes. The. Whole. Way. I was so happy to reach the highway so I could get around him, and then got stuck behind Mr. Pace Car who was insistent on driving the same speed as the truck beside him until we reached the bridge, where I flew over that motherf***** so fast that if there were a radar trap I would have had the cop doing pirouettes. Some days I long for a cow-catcher to be mounted on my bumper. Seriously.

It was so unreal, I felt like I was on the Truman show. There must have been a producer somewhere going, "...aaaand cue slow moving cars. Keep it tight. Box her in. Slower....slower.... Put your signal light on. That's great. And left-turners nnnnnnow! Cue rain." If you saw me on TV, let me know! And in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Three More Days...

The Vancouver 2010 Olympics start on Friday. I've got my mittens. I've got my tickets for the opening ceremony and men's hockey. I am good to go!


Sunday, February 7, 2010

Sunday Night Sonnet

Oh Sunday you were taken much too soon,
I barely had a chance to rest my head,
My spirits sink when sun gives way to moon,
And I must drag my sorry ass to bed.
Friday carries much anticipation,
Saturday is bacon, eggs, and toast,
Sleepy Sunday morning brings elation,
But Monday is the day I dread the most.
I know that when I wake I will be tired,
I'll burrow deep and twice I'll hit the snooze,
The pot of coffee drunk will leave me wired,
But not enough to cure the Monday blues.
Waking early fills my heart with sorrow,
Maybe I will call in sick tomorrow.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Breaking News from the Bedroom

This is Dinah Gogina coming to you live from the top of Mount Clothesmore, the site of our most epic disaster. We're receiving reports that there may be several small socks buried in the rubble. The rescuers are working furiously to reunite them with their mates. Moments ago they pulled two laptops and 18 books from the wreckage. There appear to be only minor injuries although they have been taken in for observation. I'm getting word that they are bringing in some heavy equipment to aid in the cleanup. On the south side of the pile there have been efforts to recycle cardboard, paper, and clothing. You can see that they have created several heaps that are being sorted into the appropriate bags, and that considerable progress has been made on the closet area. There have been no reports of casualties yet, but I'm just receiving word that there are some crumple-injuries to several gift bags in the area. Investigators are probing the cause of the disaster, but evidence suggests laziness and apathy may have something to do with it. Reporting to you live, I'm Dinah Gogina for BLGR. Back to you, Lloyd.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Driving and Holding Your Nuts

When I was leaving work yesterday evening, I bought a package of honey-roasted peanuts from the snaccpac to tide me over until dinner. I got in the car, turned on my Bluetooth® hands-free device (yay me!) and headed home. I was only able to make a little hole in the top of the bag, so eventually the peanut meniscus dipped below finger wiggle reach. These were not hands-free peanuts and I tried to move them telekinetically but they were also not Bluetooth® mind-control, hands-free peanuts. Alas, I resorted to "drinking" them from the tiny hole by tipping the bag thusly *mimes drinking a martini*. I will admit to feeling a little guilty driving with nuts in my hand.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

A Tale of Two Pizzas

I did our monthly blow-it-out-your-ass grocery spree last night. It was supposed to be a quickie, but I remembered Safeway's 10% Customer Appreciation day is the first Tuesday of the month so it turned into an all-out food fest. I'm still trying to be quick, but thorough at the same time. This involves cruising every aisle and wracking my brain to remember if we need this or that. Anyway, our story brings us to the frozen foods section.

In the midst of the frozen pizza section, I notice Delissio pizzas are on sale (like $3 or $4 off - it's a good sale! And besides, they make a quick dinner). Flashback to the beginning of the shopping trip where I promised myself I would try to buy the "good foods". Never mind about the tortilla chips, that's not pertinent to this story. And the chocolate milk. Get out of my cart, will ya?

So I see these thin crust pizzas with a mushroom medley and I'm intrigued. Wait, it's flatbread, not pizza. What else have we got? Hmm...bypass the rising crust, ah, here we are. Thin crusts. Oooh three cheese. Gotta get that for J-girl, she's a pseudo-vegetarian (but she doesn't like vegetables on her pizza). Too bad it's not whole wheat. Oh well. Now what to get for Mommy and Daddy? The mushroom flatbread, the chicken and spinach or the roasted vegetable?

Well, let's examine the options. The mushroom flatbread is only 370g. That's not a great deal of breadliness. Forget that. The chicken and the veggie are 665g each, that's a better deal. Oooooh, the deluxe rising crust has 907g of sauce-laden goodness. But I don't want pepperoni, aaaand the rising crust is probably not a good choice either. Oh yeah, it's not whole wheat. Wait, do these contain trans-fats? How much fat and fibre in are in these puppies, anyway?

I shared my internal struggle with a fellow shopper who was also debating over which to choose. Do I go with my frugal side and take the best value for the money, or the healthy side and take the best nutrition of the two? Cheap and chubby or thinner and healthier. Cheap or healthy? Cheap or healthy??? JUST PICK ONE, DAMMIT! Aaaargh...

I made an impulsive grab for the harvest wheat chicken and spinach, slammed the freezer door and shot off like a bat out of hell towards the checkout before the pepperoni could jump into my cart. They do that, you know.