Friday, September 26, 2008

Look Ma, No Tan Lines

My husband doesn't like my profile picture. He doesn't understand. I am not photogenic. Either my eyes are doing something weird, or my smile looks constipated, or my mouth is open. I had a hell of a time finding a half-decent facebook profile pic, and even in that one I am half-drunk with a goofy smile. Sadly it IS one of my better photos.

So in the interest of full disclosure, the profile pic I am currently using is not me. I am neither bronze, nor headless, although I do often find myself naked. It is not even a bronze cast of me, although the likeness is remarkable. I found the statue at Telus World of Science during a fundraiser. I liked it because it resembled me. I actually fondled it while holding a glass of red wine and having my picture taken. But it was too disturbing to post us together, because it was hard to tell us apart. (I was the pasty one on the left with the wine.) There was another statue, but it had a penis. I had my picture taken with that one as well (fondling it, of course) but I didn't use it because, well, I didn't want to be mistaken for a chyx-with-dicks feminist. Not that there's anything wrong with that....I do have a mild case of penis envy. Who wouldn't want to pee standing up anytime, anywhere? Not having to make a basketweave of toilet paper squares over public toilet seats. Not having to squat. Not finding an empty roll at the end of a pee.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Anyway, I hope you don't mind staring at her brazen bronzeness until I reach the holy grail of finding a picture of me that doesn't suck.


Missy said...

I'm so happy you aren't headless.
If I had a penis for one day I would be in bed all day playing with myself. Then maybe get a prostitute.

Anonymous said...

You know they make a device so women can pee standing up too?

Now I know what to get you for Christmas...